I hope you are having a lovely day!
According to SimplyPsychology.com, Attachment styles refer to:
the particular way in which an individual relates to other people. The style of attachment is formed at the very beginning of life, and once established, it is a style that stays with you and plays out today in how you relate in intimate relationships and in how you parent your children.
When it comes to anything love, dating, relationships, matchmaking, date coaching, etc., the same thing applies when it comes to attachment styles.
Attachment styles can influence everything from who we are attracted to, how relationships develop, and even what can drive them to end.
Your attachment style is formed in infancy, but becomes a model upon which adult relationships are based.
Your attachment style is a pervasive feature in your engagement approach with the people around you and as a Matchmaker, it’s very important to understand what’s your attachment style.
At this point, you’re probably wondering, “What are the attachment styles?” or “What are my attachment styles?”.
That being said, in this blog post, I am going to break down the 4 attachment styles when it comes to love, dating, and relationships and focus on why we should be grounded/lean towards 1 certain attachment style.
This certain attachment style is viewed as the healthiest of the 4 and we will be examining the ways in which they can influence relationship blueprints and motivations.
So without further ado, let’s get into it!
WHAT’S YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE?
Main Objective: An attachment style can debunk the way you relate to other people and the main objective is to find which style resonates with you and why we need to start the process of transitioning/maintaining one of the key attachment styles of the 4, which is the:
Secure Attachment Style
The Secure Attachment Style is viewed as the healthiest of the four adult attachment styles. This attachment style is the one we, as individuals, need to either transition towards/maintain.
With this attachment style, these individuals are generally more happier and more fulfilled in their relationships.
Individuals in this attachment style tend to feel security and encourage positive relationship dynamics in relationships, thus affecting their partners in a positive manner, such as independence, support, and honesty.
When it comes to love, dating, and relationships, as a Matchmaker, if you find someone with this attachment style, I kid you not:
Let’s use the “phone example” as a way for you to examine and catch those who are secure, attached individuals.
Let’s say you’re with your man/woman/friend and let’s say you need to use their phone or you wonder what they’re looking at on their phone that’s making them express a certain reaction.
Secure, attached individuals will freely give you their phone without hesitation and/or shows you their phone with confidence.
These individuals who portray the Secure Attachment Style share many leadership styles.
First off, they’re great communicators: they are very effective when it comes to communicating with their partner and makes sure that you both are heard when it comes to a conversation or situation.
They’re also great when it comes to bonding, opening up, and trusting their partner.
They’re also individuals who don’t seek perfection and loves their partner when it comes to their imperfections.
– Matchmaker Note: As a Matchmaker, this is something which I encourage the clients and couples I work with to do when it comes to imperfections; you love that person for who they are, including those imperfections, so instead of changing them, love those imperfections. I’ve seen in the past that some couples who try to change their partner’s actions or how they portray themselves, you’re changing them to who you want them to be instead of WHO THEY WANT TO BE. At the end of the day, sadly, it’s not a surprise to me that those relationships falter and end.
Overall, people who portray the secure attachment style thrives in security, are comfortable with their partner, attunes to their partner’s needs, and commits to the relationship 110%.
This attachment style is the style we need to steer towards.
But unfortunately, most individuals fall in the 3 below categories.
These next categories are categories in which we formed in infancy, but becomes a model in our everyday lives.
The first category is an attachment style in which a lot of individuals suffer in relationships, which is the:
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style
Individuals with the Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style come from a place of insecurity and fear rejection.
These individuals are the people in which they fear “the what if’s” or “overanalyzes situations” when it comes to relationships and feel the need that in order to solve it, they need to overcommit, causing what can come today as the ‘clingy partner’ or ‘psycho exe’.
Although these individuals are seen as the passionate go-getters, they really fear rejection.
This comes from a place of insecurity to the point where as the more they grow up, the more minor criticisms seems to throw them off their regular thinking/headspace.
Another problem that these individuals face is overanalyzing situations; this can be small issues such as not texting back to bigger issues such as wondering where their partner has been, even though they were only gone for small amount of time.
Being overanalyzers, they self-proclaim that they put more effort into the relationship and work hard to “making the relationship work” when reality, it’s not a big deal then what they are to proclaim.
They seek approval, battle to trust in relationships, and play around in relationships in order to negatively attention-seek.
Let’s use the “phone example” once again as a way for you to examine and catch those who are anxious, preoccupied individuals.
This time, let’s say you’re on your phone and your man/woman asks you what are looking at and let’s say you reply with “it’s nothing, just checking my emails” because you are literally just checking your emails.
In your mind, you heard:
“It’s nothing, just checking my emails”
In their mind, they heard:
“I’m talking with this really hot man/babe on Instagram who’s way hotter than you are and telling them how sexy they are, and how much you’re not, and I actually slid in their DMs so that I can actually going to go to their place to have sex even though I told you I’m going to the gym”
Yeah… that sums up the Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style.
They fear the worst, when reality, it’s not a big deal.
Matchmaker Insight: These individuals strive, want, need, and must have a Secure Partner. Sadly, the reality is that they fall for the next attachment style which sums up why they proclaim they feel this certain way, which is the:
Avoidant Attachment Style
As a Matchmaker, these individuals with this attachment style are THE WORST WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE, DATING, AND RELATIONSHIPS!
Why you ask? The #1 answer on the Family Feud Billboard: They lack communication!
The avoidant attachment style equates a relationship with a loss of independence. They feel that when they get into a relationship, they’re sacrificing their time even though in reality when you get into a relationship, you still have your independence as an individual; you didn’t lose anything, you just think you did.
They are also the individuals who sends mix signals and feel the need that when it comes to your relationship, you need to “set boundaries and rules”.
They also lack insecurity, however this insecurity is VERY DIFFERENT compared to the Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style; their insecurity comes from mistrust; they fear that they are going to be taken advantaged of, thus explaining why they feel the need to minimize emotional support, communication, and they find this as a way to protect their self esteem.
When it comes to this attachment style, their are actually two different avoidant attachment styles when it comes to love, dating, and relationships.
The first one is the:
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style
This attachment style emotionally distances themselves from their partner, striving to create ‘pseudo-independency’; aka easily denying an emotional connection and shutting down emotionally.
These individuals pride themselves on being self-sufficient, but to the detriment of emotional intimacy.
They also view other priorities, such as work, hobbies, interests, and passion projects, as a higher priority than romantic relationships.
They also feel in relationships that their freedom is very important. To some, they even contemplate choosing to be single rather than place themselves in a vulnerable position in a relationship.
Again, let’s use the “phone example” once again as a way for you to examine and catch those who are Dismissive-Avoidant individuals.
Let’s say you’re spending time with your man/woman and all of a sudden, they go on their phone. It’s understandable when a work call or text comes to their attention, but suspicion arises for your account when they become occupied with their phone and not you.
You ask them, “Hey, what’s going on”.
They will mostly reply, “It’s nothing”, then happily go back on their phone.
You request to them, “Hey, can you put your phone away, I want to spend time with you”.
Sadly, this triggers them to gaslight you as they feel you’re onto them, “I said it’s nothing, why are you being so clingy?!” And then proceedS to go back on their phone like it’s nothing!
To the Anxious-Preoccupied Attached Individuals, you can see why they worry and overanalyze.
To the Secure Attached Individuals, they clearly can identify that they’re not only disrespecting you, but they’re also disrespecting your relationship.
As a Matchmaker, if you’re a Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style, I suggest you reevaluate yourself and ask yourself if you’re capable of being in a serious, monogamous relationship. Because maybe, just maybe, a relationship isn’t for you.
Now if that’s not enough, you’re in for a treat; we can’t forget the other Avoidant Attachment Style, which is the:
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style
The Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style differs to a dismissive lifestyle; they desire close relationships, however when they become too close, they revert back to withdrawal.
As a result, they desire to be both not too distant nor too far from others.
Rather than shutting down their feelings, they produce high levels of anxiety, and can result in disorganized responses.
Desiring to be connected but simultaneously fearing abandonment and hurt, they swing between connection and disconnection without a consistent understanding or strategy of how to get their needs met.
Once again, let’s use the “phone example” as a way for you to examine and catch those who are Fearful-Avoidant individuals.
Now keep in mind, this certain attachment style is hard to catch when it comes to relationships. More so, these individuals are seen when it comes to the relationship getting serious/when the titles of BF/GF get involved!
So be cautious when it comes to identifying these individuals.
Let’s say you’re texting this man/woman you’ve been seeing for a while and you profess to them that you really like them.
To them, they want to close the deal and make it official. However, due to past experiences/insecurities, they do one of two things:
A) They go ghost and disappear, which results in a likely chance you won’t hear from them again
B) They overanalyze what you said and sends you over the following texts that make no sense at all, such as “Oh, I’m speechless, idk”, “I don’t know if I’m ready”, “I still want to get to know you more, this is so quick”, or worse “Let’s do it, but no titles”.
As a Matchmaker, if you’re a Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style, again, I suggest you reevaluate yourself and ask yourself if you’re capable of being in a serious, monogamous relationship. Because maybe, just maybe, you’re not ready.
Overall, these two attachment styles still fall under the Avoidant Attachment Style, in which they lack communication, have unrealistic high standards, creates harsh boundaries when it comes to your relationship, and feels that they’re trapped and lost their independence.
When it comes to relationships, we need to find ways to steer towards Security.
Your attachment style is a pervasive feature in your engagement approach with the people around you; in this case, your matches/potential match/future partner.
An attachment style can debunk the way you relate to other people.
The main objective is to find which style resonates with you and why we need to start the process of transitioning/maintaining the key style of the 4 attachments: the Secure Attachment Style.
If you haven’t caught on by now, alongside being a Lifestyle Blogger, I am also a Personal Matchmaker for Matchmakers In The City.
Matchmakers In The City is a top-certified personal matchmaking firm based in Los Angeles, with service areas in New York City, San Francisco, and Washington, DC, co-founded by Celebrity Matchmakers Alessandra Conti and Cristina Conti-Pineda!
Matchmakers In The City is an old-school Matchmaking firm, working with successful men and women who are looking for committed relationships in an offline, confidential experience.
Matchmakers In The City provides an in-person, all-inclusive, private matchmaking experience with background-checked matches, concierge date planning, date feedback meetings, one-on-one date coaching with our celebrity experts and Matchmakers, and an 8 out of 10 relationship success rate that we work hard to maintain.
With Matchmakers In The City, I run a 1 Hour, Date Coaching Session called, “What’s Your Attachment Style” in which I go more in-depth with the 4 different attachment styles with you personally 1 on 1, and assess the attachment style you steer more towards and examine the ways in which they can influence relationship blueprints and motivations and how you can steer more towards the Secure Attachment Style.
If you are interested in getting assessed by me on what’s your attachment style, please email email@example.com to inquire!
I hope you all are having a lovely day, continue to stay safe and healthy during this time, and have a lovely rest of your day!